Vent

I (transex male,15) have been feeling pretty awful lately. So basically, i feel like I'm somehow just faking my dysphoria and all the feelings of wrongness and wanting to be male aren't real. I'm unfortunately not allowed to transition medically and I just spend my days somehow trying to force myself to find some kind of peace but I never do. I womder if I somehow do like my body but everytime I look at it, I wish I could just fade away. I know that I feel my chest is too female, and my parts aren't right, I can't stand listening to my own voice or looking in the mirror, however, most of my dysphoria stems from my chest, its not even that big it just looks too female, which makes my brain think I'm faking it and I dont hate it that much which just males me feel worse. I also wonder if I just want to be male because I wish I was handsome but that doesn't seem like it either. It's just being male feels more correct somehow. I would honestly rather be an ugly dude than a pretty girl. But what if one day I got a MRI scan and those just weren't the results. It has never been a social issuse either and I dont think being a woman is "bad" its just "off". I do want to be a male though and I just hope that never changes.