Having issues with authority/resentment
Me and my Dom have been together for quite a few years but only very recently moved into a 24/7 thing. It’s been fantastic for our sex life in a lot of ways but I’m having issues. Issues with me, mostly. I’d like to get advice on ways to mitigate this and work through my feelings and like, let go and chill out.
For starters, I can’t understand why I’m resenting him for any kind of punishments. I make excuses in my head for why I don’t deserve it. It’s almost like the threat of punishment makes me not want to obey? But it’s definitely not in a fun, bratty way. It’s in a “I refuse to play along way”. I could take it in much better ways, like pleading for mercy or being naughty and daring him to punish me, you know, the fun and hot aspects of it. But it’s like my brain will not consider that in the moment, like a wall gets thrown up.
I hate dirty talk. It just…it makes me cringe. He definitely loves it so I try but I feel like I’m always disappointing him with my “stiffness”.
It’s like I simply cannot relax no matter how much I love him. Sub space is not a concept for me. Trust me, I wish it was. I think this one is having to do with my inability to trust or depend on others, I definitely have major issues there from abandonment as a child. I’m hyper independent and think I have to do everything myself and by myself.
I know part of the issue is I lost health insurance about six months ago so I’m completely unmedicated. I’m really struggling with my anger. So there is that.
I know I asked several questions here, and maybe not very well. To sum,
TLDR
1) how can I better accept punishments as part of our dynamic?
2) how can I improve my dirty talk?
3) if you deal with feelings of resentment, especially when you know it isn’t warranted, what do you do?
Bonus: any advice on how a sub can better take initiative for their Dom?
Thanks everyone 🌹