Feeling miserable seems to be the only way..

I know that it’s not, but any sliver of happiness tricks my brain into believing i should drink. Barely can even say I’m on day 1. I know better and choose worse every time. Sitting in bed today fighting panic attacks, stomach aches, headaches, fear for the future, a broken heart, and nausea. Fun right?! Just the life everyone who loves me, wants for me.. right?? Just the life i want for myself?… NO. I’m so very tired. So very scared of being in active addiction and not being able to fight it. Im so incredibly exhausted of losing everything i love, because i choose worse. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I have to do better, because i know better. I just can’t do it alone.