Worried about next year

As the year comes to an end, I can’t help but think about turning 21 next year. At that point, I will officially be recognized as an adult in most parts of the world, but I don’t feel ready. The thought of starting a new year is intimidating. This year has been full of uncertainty, and I’ve spent a lot of time questioning what I’m doing with my life.

I complain about being broke, but I also spend a lot of my money on weed. Since I started university at 17, weed has become a way for me to cope with boredom or stress. Whenever I wanted to hang out with friends or just escape, I turned to it. Now, it feels like weed is the only thing I have left.

I’m about to graduate university with no internship experience or any formal job history. I’m not sure what comes next. I watch some of my classmates who seem to have their lives together, and it makes me feel incapable. I find myself attaching to people just to follow along, but I’m getting tired of living this way. I want to change.

I want to quit weed and stop watching porn. I want to read more, take programming seriously, and finally learn one of the many languages I’ve always said I’d master. I need to fix my time management skills, commit to going to the gym, and figure out how to make money on my own.

I plan to start working as a tutor next year, but I’m also afraid I won’t stick with it. The fear of giving up is always in the back of my mind. But I want to push past it, take control of my life, and make next year the start of something better.