I’m alone again

I’ve been friends with this girl for roughly a year now. We got pretty close and she’s said I’m one of her best friends. I’ll call her friend 1. She also introduced me to one of her other friends who I’ll call friend 2. Around December the three of us started going to the gym together and it was really fun for like a while. Friend 2 couldn’t join for very long so it ended up being just me and friend 1 for a month or two. I was actually looking forward to leaving my room and being social for the first time ever.

At a certain point I realized that I was starting to develop a crush on friend 1 which I knew was going to cause problems. I didn’t want to have weird feelings for one of my friends so I told her about it over text while she was on a trip with friend 2. She was totally cool about it. She reassured me that she wasn’t mad or anything. She said that she wasn’t really thinking about that kind of thing right now and gave me a solid rejection so I could move on fast. We both agreed that this wasn’t a big deal and that we could still be friends.

When she got back from her trip she was kinda different from before. She said she was tired from her trip so she didn’t want to hang out with people for a while but she was hanging out with her other friends almost every day. At one point she said we could go to the gym again and it was pretty normal until near the end where she said she wasn’t feeling well so I left earlier than usual. That’s the last time I’ve actually talked to her in person.

A week later we were talking over text and she told me that while on her trip she met a guy at a club who she had been talking to and wanted to date eventually. So hadn’t been doing great for the past month and that week especially was an all time low for me so this was kinda the last push I needed. I had my first ever panic attack and pretty much unloaded all of the insecurities and fear that had been building up for the past ten years.

She helped me get through it over text and said that this wouldn’t make her think of me any differently. The next day I asked if she wanted to hang out one more time before I started college again. I think the real reason I wanted to hang out is because I wanted emotional support and she’s the only person I’ve ever actually felt comfortable talking to about that kind of thing. I was also worried that if things didn’t go back to normal soon then they never would.

In response to me asking to hang out she basically said that it was awkward to talk to me right now and she doesn’t think I see her as a friend. She said that she needed some time and wanted to take a break. I got really scared that she was just saying this to get me to stop talking to her so she could eventually ghost me completely. I didn’t handle this fear well and essentially begged her to keep being my friend. I agreed to take a break from being friends. I asked her what she was going to tell friend 2 about the whole situation and she said that she wouldn’t say anything that would make her hate me.

A few days later I was feeling way better so I texted friend 1 again saying that I felt better, I didn’t have a crush on her anymore, she didn’t need to worry and ended it by saying that I understood that she still didn’t want to talk to me for a while so I didn’t expect her to respond. That was the only day I actually felt good. How can I feel ok when one of my best friends might never speak to me again?

A week after that I realized it’s actually been nearly a month since I talked to friend 2 and I really don’t want that friendship to fall through. I texted her that it’s been a few weeks since I talked to her so I wanted to say hi and ask how she’d been. That was yesterday and she never responded. I don’t know why. She could have heard what happened from friend 1 or she could have just not seen it.

I don’t know what to do. I know I have to just wait and hope that friend 1 reaches out someday but I miss my friends. I miss doing something other than the exact same thing that I’ve been doing for the past 10 years. How can I focus on school or even be happy when all I can think about is whether or not I’ll ever see them again? I thought I was going in the right direction but now that path has been pulled out from under me and I don’t see any other way to go forward.

This was the first time I actually talked to someone when I was feeling sad. After so many times that she told me about her feelings and cried in front of me I eventually felt like I could do the same and for a while she seemed fine with helping me through stuff. But the last time I talked to her she said that I was pushing my feelings onto her and making it her job to solve them. I don’t know what I did wrong. Is talking about your feelings and getting emotional support just a thing in tv shows? If I ever get a girlfriend would she leave me if I had a panic attack or cried in front of her? I want to find someone who will still want to look me in the eyes after helping me through my lowest point. I want to find someone who cares about me and wants to be around me as much as I do them. I got so used to having someone to talk to but now I’m alone again. I’m tired of going through everything on my own.