TW: death

My first girlfriend and I were on and off because I was still not out to my family and wasn’t quite ready to commit to her because of it. She always blamed it on me being a wishy-washy Pisces. We stopped talking for an entire summer, but then got in contact and had a lovely day together again. I found out I was pregnant that night, and she said some really horrible, vile things to me because she felt hurt when I decided to keep the baby.

I googled her every now and then to see what she was up to. I loved her curly hair and her big heart for animals. I dreamed about her often, and really kicked myself for not just being brave enough to be myself and embrace her openly.

I looked her up again today, which I hadn’t done in about a year, only to find that she died last month. Her celebration of life is on Friday. We haven’t spoken in five years. Would it be weird for me to go? I feel like I should have let go of her by now. I wouldn’t know anyone at the service, I don’t even know how she died. I already said goodbye to her years ago. I don’t know why this is making me so sad.

Being a late bloomer sucks sometimes. Losing people sucks.