I did something stupid and just need a little support.

At the moment, I don’t have my own car. I’m working towards getting my own, but for the time being I’m using my mom’s car. I’m a 32 year old woman still living at home. For so long, my only dating or social life was online. I got comfortable with that and after a while I realized if I keep that up, I will continue to be sad and lonely forever. So over the past few months I’ve tried breaking out of my comfort zone and going on dates. Nothing has worked out well necessarily. So I started talking to someone at work. Things were going well and we’ve hung out a few times. We were going on a more official date and I got extremely nervous so when we got back to their place, I drank in the bathroom to alleviate nerves. I had way too much and it hit me kind of hard. I should have stayed or called an uber or at least called my family and told them to pick me up, but the anxiety of doing that alone stopped me. My family knows I have a history of drinking and the fear of letting them know I had been drinking was enough to keep me from calling. On top of that, our car situation isn’t the best as is, so calling to ask if I can stay at someone house, keep the car, and that I’d been drinking was just a no for me. So I drove home anyway. Dumb, completely irresponsible thing to do. The WORST thing I could have done. I know that. I’m beating myself up over it and I probably will for some time.

But I got home and my mom could immediately tell. She’s banned me from using her car for anything other than work. Again, that’s reasonable and I understand why.

I started typing this next sentence like three times because I kept putting “but” at the beginning. There is no “but”. There is no justification for my actions, only stupidity in an extremely stupid state of mind. I just feel like now that I’m gonna go back to being in my own little bubble. I’m not going out anymore. I’m not going to be able to see this guy that I’ve started getting attached to. I’m going to work and then home. And that’s it. Both of those places are miserable for me and the little bit of freedom I had (that tbh I’ve had to fight for as is) is gone now. Alcohol has taken so much from me. I’ve allowed it to. And this feels like the last straw. I don’t want to be here anymore. I know this feeling will pass. At least I hope it will.

I’m not looking for sympathy. I know even the worst alcoholic doesn’t drink and drive, but I feel miserable and alone. The small bit of joy I had is gone because of me.