Cant stop purging

I have a stressful exam in the morning that I should be studying for, but instead I’m focused on how big I feel in my body, how bloated I am, and how much I need to just purge anything more than my calorie allotment. I hate my life I genuinely don’t know what to do. Everyone in my family struggles with this so there’s no one I can go to for help. Literally nothing feels real anymore. I have a boyfriend. I have a job. I am actually a pretty good student. But for the life of me I can’t get rid of my eating problems. I just can’t handle this anymore. It’s been 4 years of this hell and I just want it to end. On top of this; I just feel so damn ashamed. I have everything. I’m still so unhappy. I am sobbing as I type this. I don’t have family to go home to either for the holidays. Break is going to be so isolating. I wish I knew how miserable my adult life would be, because I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t exist like this. Idk I’m just so upset and done I can’t