Update: things didn’t work out how I expected…

So, a couple months ago I (19M) made a post about how me and my close friend (19 NB) shared a kiss in truth or dare and how they liked it…

We have been chatting a lot these last few months, about how he really wanted to be with me, we even had plans for the both of us to lose our virginities. We were always talking about possible days for a date, but we live in different towns, are busy with college, and have little to no independence from our parents, so the opportunity never came, there was one time we actually met and got intimate, but other people were there to and we thought it was too risky to go any further.

Since then, they met someone else, someone they really liked. This last month he was very torn apart about who he wanted to be with, but eventually he decided he wanted to be with him. I became really jealous about all of this and started pressuring him to at least finish what we promised before they officially start to be together as a couple, but I realized he wasn’t getting comfortable with all of that situation and stopped being an asshole with them.

It’s just that I have never been in a relationship before, and he was the first one that actually liked me back and then I thought it was a great opportunity and I could just go with the flow. But he doesn’t see me like that anymore, and neither do I anymore. I think, in a way, I was doing this more because I desperately wanted to lose my virginity with someone I trusted rather than because I wanted to be with him in the end. But that didn’t end our friendship, in a way it just made it stronger…

I know some people say that relationships aren’t everything and you should just take your time. But being loved that way was something I always wanted from an early age. I really struggle with connecting with other people due to autism and never had the chance before. In the end I made my jealousy, selfishness and loneliness almost get the best of me and almost ruined my friendship because of it…

Maybe if I just confessed it earlier when we studied in the same school, or maybe if we had the chance to meet up for a date last year things could have been different. But maybe it was not meant to be, maybe life had different plans for us…

I don’t know. This whole thing is making me remember that movie Past Lives (2023), which has a pretty similar premise…

I honestly hope they end up being happy together, I’m not going to be bitter about it just because I didn’t end up getting what I wanted. I just hope that, maybe, in the future I will be with someone who also makes me truly happy like they once did…