10 years later, I regret leaving Armenia

I'm not sure if I should post this here or on the other sub, but I feel very alone and depressed and just need a few words from fellow Armenians to hopefully make me feel better.

10 years ago when I was 22, I left Yerevan, my family, my friends to study abroad. In a way I was running away from my parents because both of them had become toxic after their divorce and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I am now an adjunct at a top university in Japan, almost done with my PhD, and very close to getting a tenure track position.

But since the war in 2020 and everything that followed with Artsakh, it's been hard, and I have felt immense guilt for being away, tucked in a safe corner. And with every year I feel a greater pull to just say "fuck it," leave everything, and go back home.

I have had a couple of failed relationships here. My current one with a long-term partner who is northern American, things are just not moving forward, I feel stuck, and it's making me depressed and hopeless. I am turning 32 this year, I have spent my 20s here in Japan, I have become very independent, and I am afraid that if I went back home, I wouldn't be able to find an Armenian man who would want to date/marry me.

On top of it all, I am afraid that I won't have the job opportunities I have here, and everything is just terrifying. But it seems like if my family is there with me, at least I won't be as lonely as I am now. And then I remember my parents hating on each other, and that I'd probably have to live with my mum in a 1 bedroom apartment because the one time I mentioned that if I hypothetically moved back I would rent my own place, she threw a tantrum and wouldn't talk to me for days.

I have a couple of Armenian friends here, but one of them left, and the other I only meet once every blue moon. I just miss being around my people, I am tired of trying to explain the pain and suffering and the generational trauma to people who just can't comprehend it. I'm not even very religious, but I want to go to a church where I can light a candle and listen to the choir sing Aravot Luso.

I know I have been very privileged to live the life I have been living for the past 10 years, but I am not happy, not anymore, I have spent this entire day in bed, crying. I wish I had never left. I'd probably not be the independent and academically accomplished person I am now, but I'd probably be happier, maybe married, maybe with kids.

I'm sorry, I don't know what I am trying to achieve by making this post. But if there is something, anything that you can tell me, please do.

ETA: Thank you everyone. I wish I could reply to each and every one of you individually, and I'll try. I did not expect this warm and kind response. It makes me so happy that my fellow Armenians all had a nice word to spare in the moment of need, and I can't tell you how much better it made me feel. I am so proud to be one of you. There's a lot to unpack in your responses, but I'll try to use them as a way to guide myself through whatever this is I'm going through. Have a lovely Sunday 🩷