Raped a month ago and now I’m a borderline alcoholic

Do I wanna drink myself to death? I wouldn’t say that I WANT to, but there’s not much else left. At least my pregnancy test was negative.

I was raped in my sleep a month ago by someone I trusted. He wasn’t exactly my boyfriend but our relationship was cordial and fun. I thought the green flags were real. He was funny, smart, charming, and seemed caring. I had a health scare the week before the incident happened and I was in a vulnerable mental state that made me easy to take advantage of. He knew it. I told him about it. I was feeling very down and anxious about everything and he used it to his benefit. He lied about it all when confronted and made me look like the bad guy. My forensic exam proves otherwise.

Time has flown; it moves differently for the heartbroken. I can’t be in my apartment (where the rape happened) anymore. I go about my business until nighttime hits and it all comes back to me. The insomnia is awful. My chest feels heavy and tight. I can barely function in society. My eye bags are so dark that someone asked if I had a black-eye. No, I’m just suffering and not sleeping. And drinking.

I got shitfaced at a party a couple weeks ago and wanted to continue the feeling. When I drink, I forget about it all. Not just my rape, but when other unfortunate events occurred in my life, such as being relentlessly bullied K-12 or when my drug-addicted father’s friends would grope me. This recent rape was the icing on the cake. I cannot describe what I’m feeling and I don’t know if I ever will. Therapy isn’t helping anymore. I just want people to stop hurting me.

I’m currently laying in bed with pings of vaginal and nervous system pain coursing through me. It’s 4 AM. I cannot sleep. I know that that makes mental health worse, but I can’t help it. I’m hurting so badly while others don’t care and continue with merriment. It’s just not fair.