I feel I should have done it a while ago

I’m at the point in life where I don’t know if it’s worth continue to push through. I have struggled with so many things in life and things seem to only go further down hill. I’ve tried to take control but time has never worked out. I don’t want to live a life of no success and loneliness. I’m also gay and can’t handle how being gay would effect me also don’t like how toxic the LGBT community is.

I have no friends at my college which I worked for 5 years to get into. It was what kept me going then as I was isolated while being homeschool in high school. When I got to school it was COVID and I didn’t do as well as I could because I got very depressed and overwhelmed with that and job recruiting. I ended up getting my dream internship and they gave all interns full time offers. I was still depressed and suidcidal but became better because of Job But then the second to last say they fired me and I was blindsided and devistated . The worst part was literally the morning of as I was going to work have no idea my fate I though I think I’m finally becoming happy and content. Then my worst nightmare came to life.

One of my biggest sources of depression is loneliness. One of the factors that contributes to this is that I’m gay but it’s not exactly an obvious thing to some and others it is so I’m not able to make friends with girls like most gay guys as to most I don’t appear gay. But guys I’m not able to connect with because of lack of interest and also I never had a lot of male interaction growing up.

I came to school and was alone joined a frat to make friends I don’t hear From them for the rest of the semester then early the next semester before initiation they get shut down. I try to join profesional and other fraternity was not successful joined lots of clubs but most people are already in friend groups and don’t let people in. People from my cultural groups often don’t see me as apart of them on both sides and I’m not able to make connect on those lines either. I really have bad timing but I still have this deep pain. I went to the club student frequent the last 2 days and had no one to be with so I just pretended to be doing things. I wanted to self harm so bad.

Ultimately the reason I have never attempted is because I wanted to see if there was hope but also the don’t want to cause my family pain. Sometimes I feel like I should just have done it and spared myself these last 5 years. But as things go forward and still don’t seem to improve no matter how hard I work. I’ve done everything I can multiple times and no success. If things don’t look up soon, I don’t think I will stay here to live a sad depressed life for another 20 years. I want the pain to end I want some joy and some normal life.

This is all over the place there is so much more to paint full picture but it would be very long.