Healing and being ‘The Ghost’. Just something I’d like to share.

I’ve been wondering if someone can relate to this or expand upon my experience in any way.
But at first I’d like to tell the story of how I got there.

So, these past few years it seems I’ve made progress towards feeling genuine happiness in my life. And this journey started some 8 years ago when I quit working 5 days a week and switched to working 3 instead. This made such a huge difference in the quality of my life.

With that extra time I took up a new hobby, which quickly became my favorite thing to do. That’s trekking and hiking. I started small at first though, having never really been one to do sports. Anyways, once I got to the point I felt confident enough to head out of the city and into the surrounding hills and mountains, being far away from civilization and all alone in nature, I experienced several things.

First of all, I got to experience being able to fully let go, even more so when home alone. By that I mean not having to try to be anyone or be anything in particular. I’m just… whatever I am. I could try to explain it this way: Usually I’m always thinking, always analyzing or having some fantasy world of mine run in the background. And of course, while amongst others I don the mask.
But out in nature, I truly am just in the moment: No past, no future, nor much of any thoughts at all to be honest. It becomes more of an emotional experience while lacking an ego, which, back when I started, was a curious but favorable experience.

Secondly, and this might seem almost unbelievable, some two years ago I’ve experienced this ‘High on Life’ thing some people talk about. It lasted for maybe 6 or 7 days where I felt this pure bliss and happiness. It came to me a few weeks after some hiking abroad.

And during this I felt a kind of gradual breakthrough, however small. I connect to people better since. Now, I’m not sure how many of you can relate, but I’ve had the same few friends in my life. However, friendship, to me, always meant partaking in some shared interest together, like gaming or whatever. It took me a long time to understand that for most others, good friendship has also this element of an emotional bond. And emotional bonds were truly a foreign concept to me for so long ( and I still struggle to fully grasp this).

ANyways, the most important change since this week of bliss, since this breakthrough, is that I now understand what it means to want somebody to be there in your life. Yes, I was aromantic for over 30 years, but now I’m often thinking about being in such a relationship. To have someone to come along up onto the mountains, someone to watch and overanalyze a movie together, or simply (and this does sound a bit cheesy) hold hands with while listening to impactful music (a tough and paradoxical fantasy of mine since I am still very much averse to being touched).

Just a quick sidenote: Does anyone else have the experience that music serves as a gateway to the emotions? Though I was, and still am, quite emotionally subdued, music has always allowed me to safely experience emotions I never really felt in any other circumstance – letting my mind wander and imagine any which scenario fits the song.

Anyways, what’s that all got to do with being ‘The Ghost’?

I feel like I’m The Ghost. Sounds bad, right? It’s not though and I mean this in the most positive way possible. Let me explain.

I took some of the lessons I learned while being out in nature with me back into town. I’m talking about this ego-less state. I am now applying it even in the city, albeit less potent than when out hiking. And thanks to this, I take myself way less seriously. My need to be alone and isolated (while still present) I can ignore much more easily.

Another benefit (and this is going to be a bit abstract, but I can’t really explain it any other way) is that as the ghost, I can float across this chasm separating me from others. It’s hard, but I can do it. I pass through the barriers of my disorder yet still remain somewhat untouchable (hence being a ghost).

Not sure if I explained it well enough, but perhaps one of you can make any sense of it.

So yeah, besides feeling a bit lonely these days (also a new experience), I do think that I’m on the right path. I am less bothered by being around other people. My mask feels less burdensome and, most importantly, I do have moments of happiness.

I have a long road ahead and I’ll probably never truly be whole, but it’s interesting to notice that such changes are possible.

Can anyone else relate?