18 year old seeking advice (LGBTQ)

I want to start off by saying this is not a message coming from a place of hate or ill intent but rather one hoping to inspire sympathy and give the opportunity to the right people to give advice from their life experiences.

With that said, I’ll begin.

I’ve struggled with same-sex attraction for as long as I can remember. To be clear, nothing happened to me as a child—my childhood was great, with both parents present and active in our church. I grew up going to church every weekend and surrounded by wonderful people who I am close to till today. I’ve always been family-oriented, loved children, and dreamed of being a father.

However, I feel like I was robbed of my childhood in a way. I spent so much time trying to be someone I wasn’t—hiding parts of myself and suppressing my personality to avoid being “flamboyant.” This led to self-harm and acute depression, all in an attempt to be the straight son and church goer that others expect of me. Now, at 18, in my freshman year at my dream university, I’m still grappling with my feelings. I want to shake off this attraction, but it’s hard, especially when it feels like a part of me. I also struggle with lust, but much of that comes from the unhealthy relationship I’ve developed with sexuality—something I’ve been taught to hide, rather than embrace as a gift from God to share with the right person.

As I hear more discussions about this in the church, I can’t help but feel like they are often antagonizing gay people. Yes, we’re told to love them, but I don’t understand why being gay is seen as so wrong. To me, being gay is simply about wanting to love and be loved, to start a healthy family, not about lust or perversion. It’s a deep, human desire to be seen.

I have talked to my FOC about it and while he is helpful, there is only so much one could say. And many people bring up the verse “deny yourself and pick up your cross”… my thing with that is many people say that and go on to list an example of what they have given up to spend more time with God. Usually it’s something small like a hobby or sport that they have given up in order to spend more time with the word and (I’m sorry) BUT THAT FRUSTRATES ME SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!! They also bring up other habits they have had to let go of like alcoholism or pornography and of course you have to let these things go these are obviously corrupted. But how is someone genuinely expected to drop their yearning to have a family just as any other man and relate it to someone dropping their hobby of basketball to read the Bible more. This isn’t a silly little feeling I chose to have.

I’m only 18, but I’ve spent so much time worrying about my future that it’s cost me so much already. I don’t want to disappoint anyone—especially my mom—by marrying a man, and I also fear I might be hurting God by choosing love. I want to be faithful, but I also want to be happy, seen, and loved. I don’t find women attractive in that way, so I can’t imagine marrying one just to fit expectations.

The older I get, the more it feels like being Christian is a struggle I can’t win. Every time I sit down to pray or read the Bible now, it feels like I’m deceiving God, and I’m honestly lost on what to do. Right now, I don’t know if I want to marry a man or stay single for the rest of my life.

I’ll end with this: I appreciate everyone’s opinions, but if you’re straight or haven’t felt the gravity of these feelings, please take a moment to reflect on what you're saying. I promise I’ve heard it all