can't live like this anymore (tw suicide)

i'm 15. my doctors have denied me estrogen since I was 14 with the excuse that the mood swinging side effect would make my depression worse

this has led to me getting +10cm taller (i'm ~5 11) and gaining weight because of my lack of motivation to do anything

compared to cis girls my age I look like a tall gorilla ogre being

don't really think I'll make it far

also I can't DIY because I live in a country with really strict customs, they wouldn't let it pass.