Having an ED when you aren’t skinny is brutal.

Especially when you try to find a community online. There is no sense of pride or relatability when you’re fat.

When you’re suffering but skinny, you feel sick from all the behaviour engagements, but bffr, at the same time, you know damn well you feel good for the body you have which can ease your mind momentarily. But when you’re a chubby blob, I can’t relate to anything online and I can’t even step back and ease my mind because the second I look down, my stomach fat jiggles back at me. Maybe I should take a walk? Well the friction between my thighs make me wanna die.

Also, I see thin people posts on here and I can always feel the pride in the way they write, even when it’s a rant. Sometimes I make a post to rant and people tell me they relate to me. Great, I must not be alone living in a big body and how despairing it is when living in society. But nope. I look at their profile and they’re literally underweight calling themselves fat. I get body dysmorphia is a thing, but for me, nothing is dysmorphic and it’s a brutal reality. One look at me and you literally SEE the fat. If you’re blind, well same shit: one touch and you feel the squishy fatty tissue under my skin.

I hate how I deal with this all alone. I try to go to other communities but then it feels like a body acceptance cult. I have no where to go. When I complain about being fat online, I get girls who say “same”, but they literally aren’t. It’s like talking to an AI bot where there is no reality about those words behind the screen. I feel like the only fat one with an eating disorder. I don’t even feel like it’s fair to even label myself with an ED at this point. I’m just an unhappy fat person who eats like it’s an endless hotdog contest.