Where do broken hearts go?

What do you guys do when you’re feeling lost?

I used to talk to someone. We started talking through a website and quite liked each other and then exchanged our ig handles. For 6 months straight, day and night we talked. Never a single day passed by without checking up on each other. Even I used to say I missed talking to him even though we’re talking constantly and he’d say he talks to me the most, how could I say that(sarcastically I asked). But I could tell he did. I liked talking to him and he said he did too. Sometimes I thought I talked too much and then I’d stop for a while but he’d knock asking how I spend my day or anything. We’d bring up a topic and discuss. We had a lot of similarities, which led to having meaningful, silly, fun conversations. I really liked him as a person. He has everything someone could ever ask for. A man of qualifications if you say. Intelligent, kind, open minded, knowledgeable and what not. That’s what made me astonished because I thought he’s rare.

But I used to be afraid to talk to him. Because he seemed so nice to me. He always listened, made sure nothing I said go unnoticed. Every time he prioritized me and that’s what made me feel weird because after all I was a stranger. Once I said to him about something that it’s okay if he doesn’t care and he became upset saying he did and I shouldn’t have said that. I had a past trauma regarding my close person. I suffered a lot about that incident and eventually I shared that with him. He listened to me and comforted me anyway he could. He always helped me. He was the most kind person I’ve ever talked to and I was happy. Because I thought he was genuine one. I expected nothing but keeping his company.

From starting of January, he fell sick or atleast that’s what he said to me. But he would still reply whenever I asked about how he was doing. I was sick too and he checked up on me always after getting to know the situation. He’d reply once in a day atleast or even if he couldn’t he’d reply the very next day. Never have I ever felt any ignorance from him. There was time, when he was busy working, he’d say he will not be available or even if he didn’t, he’d text later saying how it was going. Or even being tired he’d text me before sleeping. Once we had this conversation about being ignored and I told him how much I hate that and he’d say he’d never do that and how he tells me if he can’t talk he lets me know, which he obviously used to do. Last week, I texted him saying I wanted to know something about him, which i did obviously to leg pull as I always did. He saw the text and hasn’t replied ever since. After a week, he saw my texts, still didn’t reply, even a word. I cried for a whole week not only because his text but it triggered my old trauma. At that time I couldn’t cry but this time I couldn’t hold myself back. I kept crying because It was hurting so bad I don’t even know why. Then I decided to ask him what really happened throughout the week, as I said not a single response. I started asking again this week, explaining how badly wounded I was, at the top of I was sick and had a minor surgery. I had one last year too and shared with him how painful those days were. I can’t stop myself from texting him. He’s not seeing texts properly or the ones he saw I don’t think he read any of it, getting a reply is out of question. It’s just becoming too hard for me to bear day by day and I can’t even share to anyone. I used to share everything with him. He was like my best friend.

It’s been almost 10days and it still hurts so bad. I feel like crying all the time. I feel so lost. I keep thinking about it the whole day what might be wrong. If he told me, he didn’t want to talk, I’d never say anything else and leave. But he isn’t saying a single thing, also, he didn’t block me too. He just disappeared. I knew eventually we had to stop talking because things like this keep happening, we talk to people and then we don’t. But i didn’t care about that. But this incident affected me so much that living is like a chore to me now. My heart’s ripping, breaking but it isn’t enough to melt his heart and give me my reason that why he’s doing this. I’m a person who’d comfort people about every other thing about this kind of incident yet I’m the one left with the same situation and living with despair.

Losing a friend is so painful for me and it keeps happening. The people I cherished most, leave me too suddenly always. I know people will come and go but why the same thing will happen every time? I shared my dreams, nightmares, thoughts and what not with him. I felt the support from him. It was genuine atleast for me but now it feels like for him, this was nothing. I didn’t expect anything else from him, I just wanted him by my side. He said he would. But here I am, left with a broken heart.