I want to cheat

I just cant take it anymore. It’s the Christmas holidays for god’s sake. After almost 5 months of not even bothering to try to initiate, I straight out told him last night that I want sex. He shrugged and said “okay” but obviously was not into it. I called him out for obviously not wanting me and his excuse was “well you didn’t give me any time to prepare”. I even suggested we take a shower together to get him in the mood, that was a straight up no. I told him I’m sick to death of feeling so unwanted and that he has ruined my self esteem. We didn’t have sex, why would I bother with someone who’s not even interested?

He went to sleep peacefully. I stayed up and fantasised about cheating.

It’s all I think about for a while now. And I don’t feel guilty for entertaining the idea. But lately it feels more like a plan than an idea and that does make me feel guilty.

I’m 35 weeks pregnant so it’s not even like I can right now. But it’s so frustrating. Pregnancy hormones make sexual desire 10x higher and I can’t even share that with my partner, he just turns me down.

I’m obviously looking forward to the baby and everything that comes with a new addition to the family. But also, part of me is looking forward to “bouncing back” body wise and having the freedom/opportunity to get the attention I’ve been missing from elsewhere. For that I feel guilty.

Right now, I hate him for this. I miss being sexy and desired. I’m giving him a son for crying out loud, WHY am I not good enough?