Each day is a cruel reminder that life is an atrocity

I've had interstitial cystitis and chronic pelvic pain syndrome for 3 years. It is completely debilitating. I've had the extreme of peeing 40-60 times per day. Typical day unmedicated is about 20 times and with amitriptyline like 13-18. I only go out in public to see doctors or for a few minutes to get medication or pick something up quickly from the post office. I avoid going out as much as possible because of how debilitating my condition is. My life is destroyed. I have pretty much no social life anymore except occasionally seeing friends and family and going online.

Medical field is useless. I don't even have a diagnosis because doctors are incompetent. Everything significant I test for is negative but won't even rule out the possibility since with a fuckload of conditions, it's very common to not not have biomarkers for it anyway. What a fucking joke. Researchers say this condition has a worse quality of life than kidney disease with dialysis. I know more about this condition than any "medical professionals" I speak to.

No infection. No cancer. No biomarkers for various autoimmune conditions like arthritis, lupus, Sjögren's, etc. MRI showed L4-L5 degenerative disease and nerve displacement but no compression. I have read a study on how compression of the L5 dorsal nerve root causes symptoms resembling interstitial cystitis/chronic pelvic pain. But my MRI only showed displacement so it can't be used as evidence of the problem. Then I learned standard MRI is kinda dogshit anyway and things like FIESTA MRI are better at finding issues.

Why is it seemingly impossible to get a urine test for leukotriene E4 and prostaglandin D2? I requested them and was only given a histamine test. You only need a minimum of 1 out of those 3 as a mastocytosis biomarker. The only way to truly rule out detrusor mastocytosis (which has a high association with interestial cystitis) is detrusor biopsy through rigid cystoscopy. But no one around knows anything about it, let alone how to do it.

Amitriptyline is legit the best medication known for it and its impact for me is meh. I can't even get hydroxyzine which is strongly recommended to use as a mast cell stabiliser because it isn't available in my country. The next best thing I can access is montelukast as their was a small pilot study finding it to be a promising alternative. I was supposed to be trialling 10mg like the study, but doctors are all paranoid "idk man 10mg is a little high if you don't have asthma". Only got 5mg which is hilariously only sold as a chewable form that contains aspartame. Taking it flared me. Aspartame is known to cause detrusor contractions. Then the next best medication to try is elmiron which is like $160 a month and is well known to cause permanent retinal damage.

My heavy diet modications help but leave me nowhere near functional. Even with an alkaline urine pH of 8, my bladder always feels in pain. My symptoms are present whenever I am conscious. Always a feeling of pain, irritation, pressure, urge to pee that never goes away.

Can't try diazepam, which has been recommended in many different medical papers on interstitial cystitis, because no one prescribes it anymore thanks to drug addicts. Oh my life is such a fucking nightmare but at least I'm not at risk of becoming dependent on a medication that could actually give me a somewhat functional life.

Bladder installations and botox injections carry risk of needing to self-catheterise. Forgive me if I don't want to risk having to shove a tube into my dick for up to a year, maybe damaging my urethra and maybe giving myself a bacterial infection.

I've also for years had an unending feeling of fatigue and weakness, always tired. There are small windows where I can do physical activity at a more normal level, but it isn't linear progress. Things seem like they're getting better and then they get worse. I start feeling weaker than I did before. I've even started feeling intense strain in my wrists, arms, feeling of cut off circulation in my index fingers. And of course I'm constantly feeling sore all over my arms, legs, shoulders, back. And I've had a weird thing for 20 years where I get intense pain in my salivary glands like 10-60 minutes after eating. No blockages found, glands appear to be functioning normally.

I don't want to live. This is not a life worth living. It is an unending hell. I didn't believe in hell, but I can't deny reality, because this is it. I am living in hell. For fucks sake, have some compassion and let me die. To prevent the suffering from ending is purely evil.

I've tried to kill myself twice. Clearly I'm not very good at it. I know I shouldn't blame myself as society makes sure to make suicide as inaccessible and brutal as possible. Sure, maybe I should just jump off a cliff and call it a day. Truth is I don't want to risk surviving and being paralysed. Such a life would make my current life look like paradise in comparison.

But don't worry, all this suffering doesn't matter because of amazing slogans like "get help" and "you don't have to suffer in silence." Wow! I'm cured! Why didn't I think about getting help before? Why did I apparently spend all these years supposedly never expressing my suffering? It's a good thing life worshippers have made ending suffering so out of reach and assured that the only methods available are as cruel as possible. "If you aren't willing to feel your bones shattering or feel blood gushing out of your body, then I guess you actually don't want to be dead at all. Checkmate, so-called 'suicidal person'." Thankfully people can now jerk themselves off over how good of a person they are for forcing people to remain alive against their will because life is precious.

Sickens me how people have the audacity to say life is good because they are personally not living in an awful situation or are so far gone into delusions that they think their terrible life is actually quite good. There have been billions of people like me. Our suffering doesn't matter. We're all swept under the rug and forgotten. We are just a by-product of those who enjoy living. "So what if others suffer, as long I get to enjoy myself." Each birth is just playing a casino game with unwilling sentient beings, where every now and then someone gets snake eyes and their offspring get to suffer the consequences of it.

I'm so grateful to be alive