I lost

right now, I can’t see my future. It feels like I’m standing at a crossroads, but every path is unclear. I gave the JEE Mains exam, and I got 90/300. I failed. And even though I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s just one exam, it feels like everything I’ve worked toward has crumbled. I can’t help but feel like I’ve messed up, like my future is doomed before it even started.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next. I’ve always been drawn to the gym and traveling—those are the things I really care about. But how can I follow those interests when everyone around me, especially my parents, is telling me to be like my siblings or follow the traditional path? The pressure feels suffocating. I don’t know if I should just give in and go to a private college to continue with education, or if I should explore something else. Either way, I feel stuck.

It’s not just the exam results. My childhood was tough—full of things I don’t want to go into. It’s left me with a lot of insecurity, and now I can’t shake the feeling that everyone will eventually leave me. I’ve been conditioned to think that people will always walk away. I’ve carried that fear with me for years.

There are moments when I realize I’m just chasing perfection, trying to keep up with everyone around me, but I’ve lost myself in the process. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I try to please people, but no matter how hard I try, it never feels like enough. My parents constantly compare me to my siblings. They say things like, “Why can’t you be more like him?” And it makes me feel invisible, like who I am doesn’t even matter. It’s exhausting, and it only adds to the weight I already feel.

I’m stuck in this cycle, trapped in my own head. I can’t see a way out. It started with my life, and sometimes it feels like it will end with it—just a never-ending loop of doubt, fear, and failure. There’s nothing ahead of me but blank space, and I don’t know how to fill it.

I can’t even bring myself to share any of this with anyone. I’ve never told anyone how lost I feel, how overwhelmed I am by all this pressure. I’m afraid people would think I’m weak, that I’m just not cut out for life. I’ve always kept everything inside, thinking that if I show any sign of vulnerability, I’ll be judged.

But deep down, I know I haven’t completely messed everything up. I know this isn’t the end, even though it feels like it sometimes. The exam, the pressure, the comparisons—none of it defines who I am or what I can become. I don’t have all the answers, and maybe I never will. But I can’t stay stuck in this cage of fear and self-doubt forever. It’s hard to see a way out, but I know I need to find it. Maybe, just maybe, there’s room to explore, to grow, and to make a life that feels like mine. I just don’t know how to take the first step yet.