Dumper’s Perspective: Love Isn't Enough (i still love her)

I (31M) have been lurking here since my recent breakup with my (30F) ex and noticed that most posts are from the perspective of the dumpee. I wanted to share my side as the dumper, because I think some of you may find it useful if you're on the receiving end of the heartbreak.

For starters, I loved my ex, and I still love her deeply. I see many posts from dumpees wondering if their ex still cares or if they ever did. I can’t speak for everyone, but I can say that many dumpers, myself included, are heartbroken too. There isn't a day that goes by that I don’t think of her—triggers are everywhere: things I wish I could share with her, messages I long to send, hugs I wish we could still share. I grieve her absence every day.

We’re both operating under no contact and haven't spoken in 14 days. It’s not because I don’t care—far from it. The truth is, I love her so much that the only way I can cope is by closing the door completely. I know that neither of us can heal if we’re still in contact. That doesn’t mean the love I have for her is gone; it’s just a way for both of us to survive, grow, and eventually heal.

So why did I initiate the breakup if I still love her? Because love, while powerful, isn’t enough on its own to sustain a long-term relationship. My ex would often shut down and refuse to communicate when she was upset. I believe her insecurities played a significant role, as she was easily triggered and quick to feel rejected. But it wasn’t just space she needed—she would completely stonewall me. She wouldn’t look at me, talk to me, or touch me. She would withdraw emotionally and physically, and even after hours or days had passed, she wouldn't return to resolve the conflict. I was always left to initiate reconciliation. There was no closure because she remained defensive and hostile, unable to reflect on the bigger picture or take responsibility for her role in her own feelings and behaviors. Our conflicts would linger without resolution, clarity, or growth, no matter how much I tried to tell her how I felt or what I needed in the relationship.

What wore me down wasn’t the arguments—it was the constant feeling of not being heard, appreciated, or loved unconditionally. Her love felt tied to her moods, and my feelings always seemed to take a backseat to hers. I was constantly walking on eggshells, and the imbalance slowly drained me. Months before it ended, I told her the relationship couldn’t survive like this, and while she agreed things needed to change, the same patterns kept repeating. Ultimately, that’s what ended not only our relationship but also the dreams we had. While I cherish the beautiful memories we created, I know parting was the right decision. Life is too short to settle for anything less than the love you truly deserve.

The message I want to share is this: I hate that it had to end. I loved her, and I’ve never tried so hard to make a relationship work. But at the end of the day, I can’t settle for less than I deserve, nor can I force someone to change if they aren’t ready. Sometimes, a dumper ends the relationship with the heaviest of hearts, not because they don’t care, but because they know the relationship isn't sustainable as it is.

I understand everyone’s situation is different. Some dumpers may be over it quickly, but that’s not true for all of us. If you’ve been dumped and are struggling to understand what your ex is feeling, just know that they may be suffering too. Depending on your circumstances, your ex could be feeling just as miserable, sad, and lonely as you are.

Sending my love and compassion to everyone here, whether you're the dumper or dumpee. Everyone deserves joy, and time will heal your heart. Please be kind to yourself during these tough moments.

TL;DR: I want people to know that dumpers can be (and often are) heartbroken too, and sometimes ending things is necessary, even if it's painful. Both parties need to heal, and love alone isn't enough to make a relationship work.