3 weeks post mutual breakup

i cant say it’s been easy. I’ve been trying to do things to keep my mind off of the breakup, like going to the gym, going out with friends, visiting people.

Sometimes i’ll have a good day, think “oh we’re doing this for a reason, I need to just do me and figure myself out”. Then a bad day will come, like yesterday, and i’ll sob every few hours. Usually a song or a photo will trigger it.

We are still in contact, which has been okay… it hurts and sometimes we still talk like we used to. but then i remember he’s not mine and I can’t ask certain things. I am happy we can talk about other things that aren’t our sadness.

he’s supposed to be in town next week and supposed to go to our local bars. I told him i wouldn’t go out so we wouldn’t run into each other, which he thanked me for. we both confirmed we weren’t ready to see each other out. a part of me wants to go or invite him over after, even though i know it’s a bad idea. he’s not here for me, he’s not here to come over.

He did stop sharing his location a few days ago, so i unshared mine. I think it might’ve been because i texted him and told him that certain things still make me think of him, he just said it was time and he “wasn’t doing anything i wouldn’t want to know”.

I try to imagine myself with someone else, but no one’s even that attractive or worth it. What’s the point of talking to someone new? it’s a little too soon, i think.

being single after 5 years is so lonely. it’s depressing and i hate that it feels like no one cares enough to know every little thing about my day. in the end, i know this is to help us be the people we want to be, but couldn’t this be done together? well no, not unless we made serious changes that weren’t going to happen while we had each other. why do we both have to suffer from mental issues? why do we want different things?

so in the end, it’s getting better and worse, day by day. i just want to stop crying.