120 hours

today was a ride, i thought maybe i should stop posting every single day in here but the venting really helps me process my day. also, if anyone happens to be looking at my posts, i hope they can have some sort of solace in knowing they’re not alone and can see the journey/steps i’m taking.

the day started off really terribly. i showered for the first time since before we broke up. cried knowing i’m washing his touch off and that he won’t touch me again. it was easter so i tried to do my makeup, brush my teeth, go through all the motions. i probably would’ve felt a little prettier if i didn’t keep crying every step of my makeup routine. my sister had to do my hair for me because i had no energy. i put on a dress and heels and tried to feel like myself again.

i tried to be less intense and stop showing him that i’m spiralling so i tried to have a normal conversation with him without telling him how terrible i’m doing. it went well but i can’t really find anything to talk about. it takes too much out of me. everyone keeps telling me to go no contact but i can’t let him go, i don’t want to lose him. even if just as a friend. i want him to be there and i want to be there for him.

besides this morning, i’ve cried significantly less. i still can’t eat except a small few bites. i had a cocktail for brunch, which i have been having fears that drinking would make me feel worse. my past breakups with other people, i always said “screw him” and used alcohol and partying to deal, but this breakup, i barely want to touch the stuff. i have a high alcohol tolerance, so the one cocktail didn’t really affect me.

today has had a big focus on who i want to be and how i want to live my life without him. i’ve never really had a hobby so im looking into things i could get into, from sewing to free diving. what career do i want to focus on, what steps i can take soon to build myself.

in the end, i think each day gets slightly easier to deal with, even just by 1%. it’s only day 5 so im trying to give myself some grace with it. there’s still so much to think about but i’m trying to remind myself that i don’t have the answers and that’s okay. i just have to get through this a day at a time.

thank you if you’ve read this far.