96 hours post mutual breakup

apologies for using this community as a person diary, i just need to vent and i think my friends and family are sick of me repeating the same thing over and over.

day 4 has been rough. i’ve eaten a little bit since but still can’t eat much without getting nauseous. i’ve already dropped 4 pounds, granted probably water weight from crying all the time and not eating. i can only sleep a little bit at a time.

there’s so much going through my head. today we took longer to respond to each other which hurts so much. i tried to be stronger and less intense about it, tried to have a normal conversation without letting him know i’m breaking down and begging for us to rethink this.

had to work again today, which actually turned out semi-okay. only had one breakdown in the bathroom but got it together and the rest of the shift went pretty smoothly. there was still an ache in my heart and i knew as soon as i was out of anyone’s view, i’d break again. which happened in the car and when i went back to my apartment.

having to be okay in public put me in the right mindset to put away at least some reminders of him. i couldn’t take down our photos, but i’ve hid his body wash under the sink, put some of the gifts and jewelry he’s given me out of sight, along with some crafts we’ve done. i’ve gone to my parents house for easter which i hope will help me to get out of the apartment with so many memories. i hope when i return home, the removal of at least some reminders will help me to not think about him and our lost future. or it might feel so empty and like we never happened.

i can see a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel. i’m nowhere close to it and not sure if i even want to see it, but it’s there. the thought that one day i’ll be okay, that i’ll find someone who wants the same things as me, that i can focus on me and my life goals.

it still hurts like crazy and i still miss him. i still have fear that i’ll never find what we had again. i hate this distance growing between us and that he can act like he’s okay. i still feel so needy and crave his attention, his love.