What Does splitting feel like to anyone else?

Recently I’ve had a couple of episodes where I feel like I am really struggling with my feelings towards my partner. For example, last weekend we had an amazing weekend away. I felt very connected and happy with things.

Then over the week I found myself detaching and just not really wanting to be in much communication. We met on the following Friday and I just felt a bit let down by our date, which triggered me into a bit of a spiral of “maybe we do need to break up” and lasted for about 2 days until we talked it out.

We are living seperate at the moment to try and have some time to work on individual things - it’s been really good.

I sometimes don’t know how I really feel. Whether BPD is making me spilt or my body truely doesn’t want to be in the relationship.

I can see co-dependent tendencies and the times where I feel like I am devaluing the relationship is just horrible. It feels so so bad.

When I give myself the space to regulate I do feel better - my partner is well aware of my struggles and we talk openly about it all.

The idealising / devaluing part has happened a lot in my lifetime relationships and I feel helpless as though it will follow me wherever, whomever I go to. I feel this intense devaluing of the person,I try to hold it inside to not injure them but they pick up on it and feel worried about me/ us.

Then we might talk or I might have some time and I feel better - the guilt about it and shame kick in.

I’d love to hear how others really experience this part of the disorder and how they cope?

Would also like to note that my menstrual cycle can play a part in this process also.