If you feel like you aren't sick enough

It makes me sad when I read things from others with anorexia where they say they do not feel sick enough. When someone says they do not feel valid and that they feel they need to get worse with their eating disorder, so someone will care. So someone will take them seriously.

The thing about anorexia is that you are never going to feel sick enough. Your weight will never be low enough. As soon as you reach whatever number you decide you want to be, you will change your mind and set the number even lower. You can't be happy while you deprive your body of nutrients. Even if you become severely underweight, even if you land in the hospital, even if you get a feeding tube and have tons of people worrying about you, in the end, you still won't feel sick enough.

I got down to a severely low weight. I landed in the hospital and got threatened with a feeding tube. Everyone was worrying about me. I never felt happy, no matter how low my weight got. I hid my body in layers of clothes. I tried to hide the weight loss from others. But they noticed.

I wasn't a chronic sufferer when I was in the hospital. Now, it's years later. Now I am chronic and my eating disorder behaviors are more entrenched. I am trying to work on getting better, but it's very difficult

Even though I am underweight, I still have low self esteem. I am not happy about my health situation. I suffer extremely painful medical complications that make me depressed. They take a lot of joy out of my life. People are always asking me if I am eating and trying to make sure I eat. I spend most days worrying about gaining weight, even though I know gaining weight would make me healthier.

People make comments about how thin I am. I feel like when a person sees me and they don't know I have anorexia, that they think I look sick. And that's not a good thing.

I don't like when people ask me what I weigh. I don't like seeing the number on the scale, because it reminds me of how sick I am, so I try to avoid weighing myself.

At the same time, I battle with my mind every day about what I can and cannot bring myself to eat

There is no winning at an eating disorder. If you get sicker, you will most likely wind up getting severe complications, like I have. You won't feel valid. It won't make reaching out for help any easier at that point. If anything, waiting years to get help and avoiding treatment for years just makes it more likely that your behaviors are going to become more entrenched.

Recovery is possible, but I know if I had started recovery when I was younger, I likely wouldn't be dealing with these awful medical complications

If you have not been hospitalized, don't feel like you need that to be valid. You are already valid. Being in a hospital doesn't mean you are finally a real anorexic. Your feelings are already valid and your problems are very real, Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. We all won't be hospitalized for our eating disorders because we are all different. Sickness is sickness. You can still be seriously ill with anorexia, even if you have never stayed in an inpatient hospital before

If no one is asking you about what you eat or what you weigh yet, please don't take that as proof that no one cares about you. People do care about you and if you are struggling with eating and feel bad about your weight, you deserve support and you deserve to be listened to

If you have never had a feeding tube, don't wish for one. It's not an accomplishment to have a feeding tube. Some people have to have one because they are truly afraid to eat regular food or they have issues with eating and it's not enjoyable to be given a feeding tube. It will not make you more valid. You are already valid

If you don't have severe complications from anorexia yet, please do not wish you were worse. I can promise you that once you start feeling the affects of your eating disorder, you will wish you could take it back. No one can know how their body will react to starvation. You can't pick and choose what complications you get. If you are around another person with anorexia, and you view them to be worse than you, because of what complications they are experiencing, please don't think that way. Watching your body break down and become damaged from starvation is nothing to wish for. When you wind up with an extremely painful complication of anorexia that can't be reversed, you still won't feel good about yourself.

If no one is taking you seriously, then please continue to reach out until you find people that validate your struggles. Remember, just because someone in your life doesn't understand eating disorders and does not realize how much you are struggling right now does not mean that you are not struggling and you don't have a problem

If you feel your weight is too high and no one is taking you seriously because of that, and you want to try to lose more weight so people will finally take you seriously, I can promise you that doing that won't achieve a thing. The only thing that will happen is everyone in your life that loves and cares about you will be sad that you are hurting yourself. You may think no one cares and that you can lose weight and never have anyone say anything about it. Your family or someone in your life you are close to is eventually going to mention that you have a problem, even if you try to hide it

We are all different and feel the effects of this disorder in different ways. We all have different thoughts and experiences. We all won't react the same way to treatment and we all will not have the same behaviors.

You are you. You are not someone else. You are not supposed to have the exact same symptoms, thoughts and behaviors as another person

When I was in inpatient, some people were seriously ill like I was. And some people were doing better and recovering. I avoided comparing my health to them, and instead focused on how nice they all were and their different personalities and interests. I did not judge someone for being worse than me or doing better than me. People are at different stages with their illness. Comparing yourself to others will only hurt you.

So if you are around a person who you view is more sick than you, please remember that person may be very sick, but they are also suffering and feeling bad about themselves like you. They are not happy about the situation they are in. Please don't wish to be that person. They do not want to be in physical and emotional pain. They don't deserve that. Neither do you. Neither do I.

No one deserves the pain that anorexia causes. And that's all that it causes and all that will happen, if you become sicker