My trans sibling is basically Chris chan

I identified 🚂🦵 thoughts at like 8 or something, told my parents, and they told me I was "trying to be like 𝑥"

I had met this person before but I just thought they were male with an odd name, and I didn't really have a concept of what trannies were, so my immediate thought was "these kinds of people are like pedophiles or something, whatever thoughts these are clearly aren't mine, and need to be buried and forgotten."

Successfully didn't really think about it, assuming I was just gay or something, until 14 at puberty, when I realized. At this point I had pretty much completely forgot about 𝑥 as she didn't live in our state and I had seen her once as a small child, my parents were willing to take me to a doctor to be assessed and I was basically just told "ur prob just mentally ill lol, I'm legally required to tell you you can go to a 🚂🦵 clinic if you want" and I fully believed them and chose to rep in hopes it'd go away.

Either I'd be a normal functioning adult, or I'd still be trans as an adult and kill myself, I'm not a suicidal person but it made sense to me, in hindsight it was stupid, but what teenagers aren't?

Come to 17 and I learn that my estranged hon 6'8 sister has been threatening suicide and self harm for years (insane shit like pouring bleach in her eyes) because she wants unreasonable amounts of money from my parents, she's named after an anime character, is in a polycule with like 20 other trans women, most of whom do ketamine and coke, when my parents visited them one of her girlfriends was doing FUCKING PUP-PLAY IN FRONT OF THEM, afaik many of them are intellectually disabled, and she is too. (borderline? idk tbhon)

It was kind of the piece of the puzzle for why my parents were somewhat supportive, but kept pointing out my male features, and noted when I was getting taller, even though I was always visibly uncomfortable and had the trademarked unkempt long hair of a 🚂🦵in denial. (This is probably just brainworms but still)

They only let me see my family doctor because they thought I'd rope, and felt relieved when I did nothing.

I really, really thought waiting it out would work, or at the very least I'd have the option of suicide open to me if things got worse, but I don't, she's tried killing herself 20 times without being remotely successful once (at that point if you really wanted to kys you'd do it properly) so even in death I'd be compared and remembered as like her.

Everyone in my family is mentally ill, my issues are a bit worse than most of them, I'm still self-aware though, and I'm the only one where every sign of mental illness will and has been compared to the insane AGP rapehon that is my sister.

Dude she literally MEASURED MY CIS SISTERS WITH A FUCKING MEASURING TAPE WHEN SHE CAME OVER

The worst part is, they're RIGHT to have told their faggy son to rep, to close off that discussion, they're right to hope it was a phase, to think of it as a mental sickness, because their exposure to trans people is that, and they're NOT WRONG, I honestly AGREE WITH THEM, any normal, well adjusted person would.

At the end of the day my goal had always been to be normal, to be in a relationship with a man or something as a regular woman, to blend into society, but when I came out to them as a teen and told them as a child that's what they thought I wanted to be.

I wish they were at least unsupportive so I could say fuck you and leave or rope myself without guilt, or that she didn't exist and I could feel secure in that I had no option to transition as a kid, but in the best case transitioning scenario I'll still be talked about behind my back, how I should be "taken out back," disliked by everyone in my family while everyone looks at me like a sex-pest, while still feigning support the same way they've done with her for years.

I don't even get the privilege of roping without intense shame and guilt, even if I'm not suicidal. If I succeed I'll be remembered that way for forever, if I'm a pussy and fail I'll be trapped in an even worse hell with genuinely NO actual escape. I don't want to kill myself but the fact I can't even consider it gets to me.

In cases like mine, repping is really the only option, right? Genuinely, what good would transitioning do? I lost my chance to be a normal person outside of my family when both of the doctors I saw convinced me not to do anything and that I was just mentally ill.

I honestly wish I could just lock these 🚂🦵 thoughts away like I did as a kid, I don't understand why NOW they're permanent, why I can't just accept my life as a gay man that I hate, and lock it so deep in my brain that I only remember them as "cringy shit I used to think"

Anyways bye, sorry for the schizopost